Defecation Schedule…

It’s not everyday that you get to work to realise that you have been renamed.  This morning at work I was greeted by an older, female colleague who is renowned for her capacity to complain…and apparently, today I was going to be called Linda.

“Linda,” she says, “can we put a sign up in the ladies’ toilets, forbidding people to do a sh*t first thing in the morning?  Because I am fed up of being suffocated by the stink!”

I am sure I laughed out loud, but more because I wasn’t sure what the appropriate reaction was.  To be fair, our staff toilets are indeed reminiscent of two cubby-holes with a flush; the room is artificially lit with no windows and not even an extractor fan.  It also happens to be connected to the locker room, which you have to walk through before you can exit or enter the toilets themselves, meaning that if someone were to drop a turd in that near air-tight space, then anyone entering the toilets would definitely be getting some.

Is it inconsiderate to sh*t in the staff toilets knowing full well that for the next 3 hours at least, the air in there would be near toxic?  I mean if you have to go, you have to go, right?  I don’t really think it’s much of a choice thing.  Unless it’s that really strange, freaky woman who packs the vegetables; if it was her then I would hedge my bets that she was doing it for the thrill(?).

Of course I never did end up writing a sign for the toilets, but I did consider what I might have written if I did:

To All Staff:

As a courtesy to your fellow colleagues, please refrain from producing a stool in these toilets between the hours of 9.00am and 12.00pm.

Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Should it matter what time of the day it is?  Surely if the sneaky offender started emptying his bowels every afternoon at 2pm it would be just as pungent?  I then looked at the wording again and wondered if it could be taken too literally and we’d end up with sh*ts all over the floor.

Coincidentally, sh*tting on the floor is something else I wanted to talk about.  Some of you may or may not know that in various parts of China, toilets are still nothing more than a peg-shaped hole in the ground.  They are separated into cubicles, most of them with lockable doors, but other than that you may as well do your business into a drain in the street because that’s about as much comfort and hygiene as you will be getting.  You also have as much chance of peeing on your leg or sh*tting on your foot as the drain option as well.  But the theory is that because your privates are not touching a surface shared by millions, it is the healthier option.  It would appear then, that the smarty-pants who invented this hole forgot that not everyone can aim straight.

Consequently a lot of the workers (who come from China) are still convinced that regular, seated toilets are dirty and unhygienic (you know, as opposed to the much more sanitary option of sh*tting on your socks).  In order to combat this, many of them opt to hover over the seat in a bid to minimise contact with the toilet surface and this, in my opinion is probably the most acceptable, alternative method when sharing the same toilets with others who prefer to sit.  However, there are some individuals at my workplace who feel compelled to squat onto the toilet, feet planted either side of the seat whilst they do their business.  This offends me on too many levels; firstly this method of usage often results in big, dirty shoeprints on the seat that us sitters then have to sit on.  They could lift the seat before squatting, but for some bizarre reason they don’t.  Secondly, due to the various laws of physics the toilet is frequently assaulted by piss and sh*t that ends up everywhere other than where it should go.  And as if these two things combined are not filthy enough, the offender never cleans up after themselves, leaving the next person to contend with suspicious-looking, yellow puddles and brown smears half-way up the bowl.  For this reason alone I avoid the toilet as much as possible because I find it both revolting and infuriating when people are so inconsiderate with their mess.  On occasions where I have had to walk in on somebody’s leftovers I imagine writing a sign of my own:

Dear Toilet-Squatter,

Please refrain from sh*tting like a chimp; your continued assault on the toilet seat / floor / door, is akin to me wiping my arse with the whole toilet roll and then putting it back on the rail for you to use afterwards.  You wouldn’t like it, so don’t do it to me.

Thank you for your co-operation.

I waips my buttz widdis whole roll!

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