Home > Humorous, Observations about people > Those Strange Things They Say…

Those Strange Things They Say…

Monday sort of comes with its own special kind of mood; probably because it’s usually the first day back at work after the weekend, and sometimes because that coincides with a hangover and/or drug-induced headache.  But sitting at work today, it is becoming increasingly apparent that Monday must also double up as ‘WEIRD-AS-F*CK day’; because my GOD are these customers weird-as-f*ck.

A small, disproportionately built man approaches the reception desk and the first thing I notice is his upper body, which for his height is peculiarly broad.  His abnormally small head seems lonely, perched in the expanse of shoulders.  By some sick twist of nature, his lower half appears to have lost the nutrition battle with his upper half, leaving him with bean-pole legs. And for reasons unbeknownst to man, he strengthens his flagging credibility by wearing an absurd camo-bomber jacket, teamed with a pair of skinny jeans and oversized boots.  Small head, big shoulders, teeny-weeny legs, silly clothes; could it get any worse?  The answer came to me as he opened his mouth to speak, revealing a voice that on any other day would have belonged to a small rodent.  But this was Monday, and Mondays are weird-as-f*ck.

As the little chipmunk man asked me where the toilets were, I almost died trying to keep my face straight.  I wonder still whether I managed it, because the woman that followed closely behind him gave me a look of pure scorn.  Serves me right, I suppose – but it was funny.

Much later on, he returned to the reception desk with a bag of frozen oysters in hand.  The conversation that followed is almost word-for-word accurate, I promise:

Chipmunk:  Hello – I was wondering, how do you cook these oysters?

Me:  Er, well, it really depends on the dish you want to make; there are so many oyster dishes.

Chipmunk:  Ah, well what kind of dishes can I make?

Me: … I don’t know what kind of dish you can make.  But there are lots.

Chipmunk:  Ok, well can I steam them?  What do you do with them?

Me:  I would shove them up your… Er, we usually would put them in some soup-noodles, or maybe stir-fry, or even steam them with some garlic and ginger.

Chipmunk: Ok so I can steam them – do I just mix the garlic and ginger in with them and steam?

Me:  Er, yes.  OR you could put the ginger and garlic on top of them and steam them.  It’s really up to you…stuff them up your nose if you are that way inclined…

Chipmunk:  Ok that’s good, so what do these oysters taste like?  Do they taste good?

Me: ……Why, sure – they taste particularly good if you hate oysters………If you like oysters, then they taste good.  If you don’t, then obviously they won’t.  They taste like the sea, a bit coppery, like seafood.  They’re not for everyone.

Chipmunk:  and, so I hear they aren’t good for men?

Me:  What the hell is this, 20 questions??!  I don’t think men or women should eat too many, they are very high in cholesterol. 

Chipmunk:  Ah I see!  Ok thank you! 

Needless to say that left my eyebrows in a constant raised state for the rest of the morning.  The endless stream of daft questions, compounded by his ridiculous voice left me momentarily frazzled, and more so when upon staring at the clock I realised it was only 10.08am.  Thinking it couldn’t possibly get any weirder, I settled in my seat and hoped for the remainder of the day to be peaceful.

Oh, did I mention it was Monday?

About thirty minutes later, he returns to the desk with two knives; one appears to be a deboning knife, and the other a carving knife – both of the same brand.

Chipmunk:  Hello again!  I wanted to know, which of these two knives are sharper?

Me:  Sir, they are both the same sharpness.  They are just different knives.  This one is a deboning knife, and this is a carving knife.  So this one is for delicate, fiddly work, when you cut near the bone, that kind of thing. 

Chipmunk:  Oh, for bones…so for meat then?

Me:  …Well WHAT vegetable have YOU come across that has a bone in it?!?  Yes.  For meat. 

Chipmunk:  So, can I cut vegetables with it?

Me:  *big, heaving sigh* – Yes…you can probably cut vegetables with it, but it’s not made for that, it’s made for deboning.

Chipmunk:  Can I cut an onion with it?

Me:  How about you give it to me and I cut your face with it!?  …An Onion.  Yes, you can probably cut an onion with it – I don’t see why not.  It’s a knife, you can cut whatever you want with it.  Yourself would be a good start.

Chipmunk:  Ok good – so you think this is the best one?

Me:  No, I didn’t say that.  They are both good – but used for different things.

Chipmunk:  Right.  And I don’t ever need to sharpen this?

Me:  …I believe that all knives need sharpening when they get blunt.

Chipmunk:  But it says 25 year guarantee here.

Me:  Sure thing, you moron, it will stay sharp for 25 YEARS.  I doubt very much the guarantee is for the sharpness of the knife, sir – it probably guarantees it from snapping, or chipping.

Chipmunk:  Ok.  Fine.  So I can cut an onion with this?

Me:  Please God, just kill me now – I don’t know if I can keep this up much longer, I really don’t want to lose my job… Yes – you can cut an onion with it.  Cut whatever you like with it. 

And thankfully with that, he finally leaves me alone.  My manager later comments how Chipmunk Man might have been a mystery-shopper, but I promptly remind him that mystery-shoppers are supposed to be PERSISTENT, not moronic.  How do I work in customer services, I hear you ask?  I have absolutely NO idea.  Some days, I feel like it might be less painful to repeatedly jab my eye with a fork.

 

More tales of The Strange Things They Say to come!      

 

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  1. February 2, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Frigging HILARIOUS!!

    I bet he was a mystery shopper, and they made him look that stupid just so you’d want to laugh.

    Ah, keep ’em coming, my how I miss the characters you meet in retail.

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